Trigger Warning: suicide
Last time I was at Disneyland, I was exhausted and my thyroid medication had completely ran out of juice. I ended up having to nap in the Mickey Mouse theater that shows 8 or so shorts all at the same time. My mind started to spiral out of control and I imagined killing myself, just to wipe the smiles off all the happy people in the park. I then wrote this list later to joke about my traumatic experience.
Top 10 Ways to End Your Own Life at Disneyland
10. Stick your head on the track of the Mickey & friends tram.
9. Get road head on space mountain until you accidentally get your dick bitten off on a loopty lou.
8. Find a Jack Sparrow impersonator who’s willing to keelhaul you under the Mark Twain Riverboat. Savvy?
7. Piss off Chip and Dale by calling them Alvin and Theodore and tell them Ducktales was better than Rescue Rangers until it escalates into Chip curb stomping you on Main Street USA.
6. Get typhoid fever from drinking too much water on Splash Mountain.
5. Ride It’s a Small World.. twice.
4. Wear an inflatable fat suit onto the California Screamin’ roller coaster and then deflate it so that you’re improperly secured and have a 1 in 3 chance of flying out.
3. Jump from the top of Cinderella’s Castle during a fireworks show for maximum spectacle.
2. Get blackout drunk and drown yourself during the jungle cruise while the rest of the boat is distracted laughing at an unfunny joke from the captain.
1. Go to the haunted mansion and get fucked to death by a succubus.